Last year of being a kid

So I haven't written in a long time, mainly because I have feared that everything I wrote would be way too depressing and I didn't want to bog down anyone who read it or try to look like I was needing sympathy. Which ironically contradicts the whole reason of getting a blog: so I could spread out my feelings and thoughts somewhere where they weren't jumbled and chaotic crammed all inside my head, but I digress.

School has started. My LAST first day of school has gone by. Hurray! My current outlook on school right now is "Well the good thing about school starting is that it is closer to ending." Not the best way to go into the last year of formal education where somehow I am supposed to learn everything to prepare myself to be successful in the "real" world. Luckily I am taking a class all about how to take all the tools I have gathered over the years and properly use them to be a working actor. Though the class is overwhelmingly full of terrifying statistics reminding me that only 3000 actors make a living a year from said profession and most of them are barely suriving well below the poverty line, it is also very invigorating and somehow inspiring at the same time.

This year has sort of started off a little less than exciting. I just want everything to be done. I want to be married. I want to see Ben all the time. I don't want to drive home late at night alone anymore. I don't want to do HW. I definitely don't want to learn algebra or public speaking. I clearly have symptoms of severe senioritis, which I think I started showing signs of my freshman year honestly.

Part of the stress comes from the buttload of auditions that take place the first week of school. I had, what I thought, was a pretty successful audition for the straight plays. However, my musical audition was a different story and really altogether a different blog. I only received one callback out of the 10 shows I auditioned for. Really those aren't bad odds except the fact that most of my peers and close friends got atleast 3 (and some got 10). It's just tough year after year thinking I am on the same level as those around me but then when it comes down the wire, evidence shows differently. I feel like those people on American Idol who come in and truly believe they are God's gift to music, and really have no reason to think otherwise because their family, friends, and even some professionals have reassured them of their talents. I think I may have a little more self awareness then some of those unfortunate contestants, but sometimes I am not sure. I always wonder when I am in a room full of peers who bad mouth someone's talent, if when I exit I will become the newest topic of conversation. It really is all too stressful for me to even worry about but sometimes it's hard to ignore.

The formerly mentioned class I am taking this semester, Audition Techniques, is really an audition philosophy class. It has opened my mind to some interesting way to look at my career. It talks about changing your job title from "actor" to "auditioner," which is brilliant. An actor goes into an audition and is only successful if they get work. An auditioner goes into an audition and is succesful if they have a good audition. There is no reason to have a bad audition because all one must do it be prepared and if you are not, then shame on you. It is a great way to look at things and the ONLY way to look at things in order to steer clear of depression and eventually quitting. Obviously such a mind set comes with time. I have tried to apply it already to my audition experience thus far this year but from the content of this blog you can see I havent really quite fully taken on my new job title.

The second week of school is rapidly approaching. I am hoping to be a little more optimistic this week but so far I am starting out with a weird stomach/back pain, a lot of homework, a speech, and workshopping a type mononlogue (which by the way, I CANT FIND ONE!!!!!!)
The good thing is that at the end of this week comes a 3 day weekend and at the end of that 3 day weekend a 5 year anniversary! Holy Cow! : )

We will miss Tibbs

So this morning little Tibbs, that we found just a few days ago, died. Ever since we got him he was really weak and slept 90% of the time. We just got him eating and drinking a lot but I guess you always hear that they do really well right before they take a turn for the worse. I knew that this was a possibility because I had no idea what his condition was before we got him. He was clearly anemic and we knew that but we didn't plan on taking him to the vet until Friday. We were in Texas until Sunday and should've taken him on Monday but I guess should haves are irrelevant now. I am mad at myself because we went through so much to keep him alive but didn't take him to the vet as soon as possible. I guess if we ever find another little kitty we will know what to do then. He was a cuddly little guy and I will sure miss his company. At least if he was hurting he isn't anymore. Ben buried him in his backyard under a nice tree. Who knows last time we though we lost him he showed up in Ben's room. Maybe that will happen again. I really wish we would've been more proactive in saving this kitty's life. I guess one crazy cat is enough for Ben and me.

Here are some pics of him! We will miss you buddy!

Cute little surprise!

So Ben and I's friend, Jason came into town this week! We are having such a blast with him. He wrote a song making fun of Bro's and so him and Ben decided to make a music video to it! It has beena lot of fun and I never realized that I would use some stuff from on-camera class during my free time! It's crazy how education works. Anyway, we were filming one of the last scenes at Ben's front doorstep and for some reason Ben starts sawying "awww!" and waving to the ground. We were all thinking "What kind of improv is this?" Well it turns out that this PRECIOUS little baby kitten, no more than a month old, is walking on Ben's front porch. The poor baby is COVERED in fleas! I am talking hundreds upon hundreds of fleas. He is so tiny and clearly hasn't eaten that much. So, we lure him in with scraps of pepporoni! There is no way this kitty can stay in the house unless we give him a flea bath so....we did! You really aren't supposed to give kittens under 12 weeks flea baths but when it is either taking a risk of a little illness from flea bath or dying from lyme disease...you have to make a choice! This bath took about an hour! There were so many fleas on him ! Finally we took him out, because he was freezing and dried him off with a towel and eventually a hair dryer. He wasn't skiddish at all, just very happy to be dry and warm. We applied some flea drops on him that should hopefully get rid of the rest of them!

We have yet to come up with a solid name...I like Willow because its a tree name and Lily is a flower and they could be Willy and Lily. Ben isn't a fan....Ben thought Phil would be cute to have Phil and Lil like Rugrats. But, we are worried the names rhyme too much and it would be confusing. So we explored some others such as Bug (which I think will bring back bad memories) and Sunny (which is my personal favorite). We still don't know if we are going to keep him. After all we have been through I don't see how we could give him away. He is too cute!

While we deciding, here are some pictures to pass the time! : )

Ok we decided on Tibbs!! Yay for kitties!!!

Another Audition

Here goes.....

Another audition tonight for a show that completely doesn't fit my voice type! I keep thinking that if I am not a belter I will never get work so I have to force myseslf to go to these auditions and keep telling myself that I don't know what they are looking for.

I just get really psycho and mental and tell myself all these awful things
"I will never be cast bc I'm not a belter"
"My speaking voice doesn't match my look"
"I don't have a type so I will never be considered"

I just need to keep quieting these things so that I can gain confidence to be happy with what I have to offer. I am really sick of peope telling me I am a soprano and will never learn how to belt/mix. I know that I can! I know it is in there! I just need someone to help me bring it out...I have gotten several different opinions of how to do it and so far it alaways ends with people saying "Sometimes people just don't have the genes for it. It's something you are born with" Well NO! I don't believe that. I do to a certain extent but I also believe that things can be learned with hard work and determination. I think at this point I just need to figure it out on my own. I know what I am doing wrong and I just need to fix it by myself...

but for now, I will get ready for my audition for Rent tonight and hopefully find some sweet rocker attire for tonight!!

Limbo

I am so excited to be going to Texas for a week!! I was looking forward to being in Oklahoma this summer, doing my own thing, but it turns out that I have been really bored...I love my job, but it only takes up 2-3 days a week. I need another job so badly but no one is hiring in the middle of the summer. Although I really have done nothing of any worth this summer at all to take a break from but for some reason the idea of being 'home' gives me a sense of ease. I have always truly been a person who dwells on the whole "grass is greener on the other side" so I'm sure after a few days I will want to be back here, but for now I am excited!

I am on new medicine that is making me feel and act a little weird. It has been harder for me to be patient and just overall joyful. I am working really hard on trying to not let it effect me and let me joy come from a Greater Place but thus far it hasn't been too successful. I don't have many friends here in OKC so that makes it harder to not really have a support group. I guess seeing familiar faces sounds really exciting to me right now. I feel like my life is in some kind of limbo between being in school and graduating, engagement and marriage, succeeding in the business or just being a house mom. It's like one big teeter totter going back and forth and I guess the idea of being home around things that are and have been constant in my life gives me a little more stability!

On a brighter note, I have my little sister Chanlar with me this week and it has been a lot of fun and a lot of work! Along the same theme of being in limbo, I feel like a 5 year old is definitely experiencing life stuck between two strong forces, toddler and kid. I can definitely relate to her! She so badly wants to be so well behaved and is most of the time, but every once in a while her remnants of toddler kick in and curiousity is stronger than her will to do what she knows is right! She is by no means a bad kid at all but it is interesting to watch. In a way, I am sort of spending this week with a living, breathing metaphor of my life. God is funny that way.

Well, better start packing! Texas in T-minus...27 hours!

Mediocrity.....

....is what I'm best at. Isn't that ironic! I feel like I am really GREAT at being mediocre! Life is always full of such lovely juxtapositions. I feel so tragically "Cathy" from Last Five Years. I suppose that's why I wanted the role so badly. I could bring a lot of truth to that role I feel. I'm just irritated that I started all this training so young and I feel like it reaped absolutely nothing. I'm constantly surrounded by people that are so much better and so much more talented that it almost seems silly to even try anymore. I just can't understand why anyone would want me when there is better talent to offer out there.

I am just tyring to find out what I am REALLY good at. A friend once told me that to make it in this business you need to perfect what you are best at, something that no one else has and only you can offer. I don't have anything like that. I don't have somethng I am best at. I spent too much time being good at a lot of things and now I am just stuck in no man's land, excelling in nothing. I used to be really smart and now people laugh at me for not knowing things. I used to be a good dancer but when my family couldn't afford lessons anymore I fell behind. I never really was good at singing and still am not that great but somehow still have to do it everyday and am not getting better anytime soon. I'm not a good actor at all and for some reason that's my major. I am just starting to get overwhelmed with how much time and effort and money wasted on things I will never be good enough at to matter.

I guess sitting around writing about it won't get me anywhere. That is unless I was a really good writer, which I'm not! I just wish I could quit right now and be a cleaning lady or just a house mom but I am positive I would just suck at that too. I feel like I am staring in the face of my future and all I see is nothing for miles and miles and it's a little terrifying. Luckily, Ben has all the talent so we can eat and have a roof over our heads. I guess I should feel blessed enough with that but it's so hard when I went from believing that I could do anything and would succeed to now just thinking it will be impossible if I get cast in ANYTHING next year.

Maybe my lack of success lies in my loss of drive but when you are beaten into the ground you can only get up so many times. I used to feel invincible; anything that came my way I could conquer and overcome. That's just not the case anymore and well....it's just flat out depressing.

X marks the spot at Paradise Cove!

ITS OFFICIAL!! WE ARE GETTING MARRIED ON JUNE 4TH, 2010 AT PARADISE COVE IN SOUTHLAKE, TEXAS ON LAKE GRAPEVINE! phew...that feels good to say!!!

After I was ready to give up and settle for a place I liked ok, I gave in to my mom saying we should "just go just in case." All their Saturdays were booked in June and to my understanding Fridays and Sundays were out. The only dates they had open in 2010 were May 1, which would mean our honeymoon would consist of finals week.....ewww...or they had July..which would be too hot and too late. I would rather get married somewhere that is 2nd best than get married in July!

So...off we go to Paradise Cove. I guess part of me didn't want to go because I knew it would be my favorite and I didn't want it to be! So many things are special about Grapevine Lake and sunsets to Ben and me so there was no reason it wouldn't be perfect. Well, unbeknownst to moi, my mom was totally ok with doing on a Friday! That changed EVERYTHING! And really the rest is history...or the future depending on how you look at it! : )

Here are some pictures! I am so excited!!!

The entrance! Ben made the Frodo face...you know when he is on the boat at the end of the 3rd movie....

This is what is right inside the entrance!

The beginning of the super long aisle

The Alter!!! *see the pretty lake behind*

This is the view from right at the bottom of the alter area and where the musicians will be!

alter view from farther back

reception area

reception area from the other side! Some cute kiddies warming up the dance floor!

bar area

patio area

That's pretty much it!!! I am sooooo excited! I feel like a huge load is off my shoulders, although the confusion continues due to the fact that the coordinator sent me a 10 page questionnaire as soon as I booked. But I am very thankful that this step is over!! Ben and I have started planning a lot and really it's a lot more fun now. We decided that he is going to arrange a medley of our favorite love songs that have a special meaning to us for the prelude and write a song for me to walk down to. We have started talking about what everyone is going to wear and all kinds of other fun things! Im sure there are many positive and negative blog to come! Hopefully more postive though..... : )

decisions...

So many decisions to make that I just flat out don't care about! I don't understand why in order to get married I have to spend a ridiculous amount of money on things I don't care about. Yes I care about getting married and being with Ben but that doesnt take spending 3000 on napkins. It's so silly! I can't even spend $20 on jeans! I am so cheap and I am just having a hard time swallowing all this. If I keep thinking that my wedding is a party I am throwing for my family to celebrate me and Ben's relationship and our future together. As long as I don't think about it as spending it on me I think I can get through it.


So...I spent all week looking for venues for the wedding. They were all great for different reasons! Of course 5 out of 6 didn't suck. It doesn't work like that. They all had different pros and cons! One was beautiful but too small to fit my enormous family! Another has the best view but awkward decorations that don't represent me and Ben. I have to make a decision soon because once June is booked we are screwed bc July is just too hot to be outside. Ahh! It's all a mess! Here are some pics of them. You will see how hard it is to choose!






This is Lantana Lodge in Pilot Point, Texas on Lake Ray Roberts it is absolutely beautiful! The ceremony would be at sunset on the Lake which is amazing!!!! But....



That is the decor of the Honeymoon suite....I mean I like Texas but not that much and....

This is the decor inside which isnt really a big deal because we really are never inside but...ahh I don't know.. am I being stupid worrying about the decorations inside?!




Next favorite is Relfections on Spring Creek in Plano!







aisle ^^^ alter ^^^



















atmosphere^^




reception area --->

I love this place but the only thing keepig me from is that I love the lake view so much!!!!


Next...Wildwood Inn in Denton! It's really close and reallllly beautiful and accomadates some people in the rooms and has a beautiful suite that is my colors!!!!

Isnt that beautiful! But I would have to cut down my list to 120 at the MOST and really they only fit 100. I absolutely can't cut it down that much! I would rather not have it somewhere that is my absolute favorite and have everyone I love there!!


So there lies my confusion.....please I am open for any advice!!!






Also while I am on the topic of decisions.... I decided to audition for Last Five Years at The Pollard this weekend instead of watching the Tony's. Really it shouldn't be a hard decision but I just feel dumb auditioning against a bunch of belters. I know that belting doesn't matter but...it does. Hopefully the experience will be so GREAT that I don't regret auditioning for something I'm not even good for instead of watching the ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT ON TV!!!!! Hopefully someone will tape it! And hopefully auditioning will be worth it...lately I just don't feel talented..I was hoping my acting would make up for the singing but I don't know if that will work. I wonder if sometimes I have a skewed idea of my talent from being in a political department for the past three years...anyway...enough negativity for one post!! My career life could be a whole other post haha. That's all for now....

Against the grain

lklsdjfpoiadjfajsdfipoauj ficojaef nkladhf BLAHLdadfkhadifAHHHH!!!

I get so frustrated with the world!!! I hate when people think I like different things or am "weird" just to be different. I truly truly dont like the things that the general population likes.

I don't like TV
I don't like mainstream music
I don't follow movie stars
I don't like Star Wars
I don't like Harry Potter
I don't think Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt are hot I don't care who they marry or who their kids are
I don't care about Gucci, Chanel, D&G, or Coach purses
I don't want to get my fingernails done and I don't want to tan
I don't want a wedding no matter how much anyone tells me I will regret it later
I believe in fairies and neverland and oz and I don't care if that makes me a freak
I love Jesus and I believe in the Bible I don't care if people make fun of me for it
I like Wicked GET OVER IT
I don't like to drink or party
I like romance movies and books with happy endings even if they aren't artistic
I still love movies and music from my childhood because it's better than anything else that has come out recently
I don't like fraternities and sororities or while we are on the subject, fake people and I will not act fake to avoid confrontation
I will speak my mind
I will be passionate and not complacent like most of the people in this world
I will work hard and love what I do even though for some reason it's "cool" to slack off

I have given up on trying to please society because this place is only temporary

I'm not trying to be righteous and say that I am right, but I can not deal with people snickering or laughing or looking down at me for who I am anymore

If God made me this way, who am I, who are YOU to judge or try to change His creation

I am who I am and I don't care if people think I am acting this way for attention or just to be different! I am different and I am sorry to whoever can not accept that

Love me for who I am or leave me alone

I speak 6 languages

So the worst/best thing happened today.....Half Price Books opened in OKC!! Ahh!! The best for my reading and purchasing pleasures the worst for my bank account...I went in straight to the CDs and was reminded of my love for Usher and Eric Benet. R&B is my guilty pleasure...except there is not guilt involved. I'm not ashamed! A girls gotta have her good bass beats and smooth vocal fix every once in a while. Little did I know that was only the beginning of my journey. I went through the poetry aisle, the pet aisle, the crafts aisle, the pointless book aisle then I reached the end of the rainbow....the foreign language aisle. Apparently, I have this obsession with other languages and cultures. I think it is so arrogant of Americans to think they can get through life only knowing one language with completely no knowledge of their own culture and heritage much less others around the world. To me, it just so important to know where you came from because without it well, you simply wouldn't be here and wouldn't be who you are today!! Anywho, I have been wanting to learn another language (I am half fluent in French) for quite sometime now, especially one that has a different alphabet than English. For some unknown reason that and some other inner calling has led me to Greek, Gaelic, and Russian. I couldn't find any Russian books so for now I am starting with Greek and working my way through an elementary workbook then on to Gaelic. I am really excited about this adventure though I think after a few hours of studying I am already seeing the struggle it is going to be to wrap my mind around a completely different set of characters especially when some are the same as english but pronounced completely different. After picking up those two books I also somehow didnt manage exiting the store without purchasing the dictionary of word origins and of course Romeo and Juliet.

For now that puts me at only 4 languages which makes me a liar based on this blog title...I still have high hopes for throwing Russian in there at some point, Spanish considering I am from Texas and can barely get by without it anymore, and I'm sure after the study of that and French, Italian should fall right in easily...which puts me at 7, unless the dying languages don't completely count...Nonetheless, it should be quite the adventure!

Its about time

So I have decided to be a follower and create a blog like many of my friends already have. When it comes down to it, I just really really miss xanga and since I have moved on to bigger and better sites (myspace and facebook) I have stopped writing...it's a sad thing really. I have always loved to write, so much that my mother always swore that I would go on to be a great poet or novelist. Well, of course things never turn out the way we think so here I am in the middle of the most useless state in our nation pursuing acting. It is probably for the better considering that's where my true passion lies and I really am not much of a writer, but I do enjoy it. So here we are back at square one. I am starting a blog! Hopefully this will serve as entertainment for some but moreso as an outlet for me. The new age of technology for some reason dissuades me from putting pen to papier and now that I have this website I can somehow write again....it really was at my fingertips the whole time because there is always pen and paper lying around. Anyway, after much procrastinating ...... here is my new blog!!