Saturday, June 27, 2009
I am on new medicine that is making me feel and act a little weird. It has been harder for me to be patient and just overall joyful. I am working really hard on trying to not let it effect me and let me joy come from a Greater Place but thus far it hasn't been too successful. I don't have many friends here in OKC so that makes it harder to not really have a support group. I guess seeing familiar faces sounds really exciting to me right now. I feel like my life is in some kind of limbo between being in school and graduating, engagement and marriage, succeeding in the business or just being a house mom. It's like one big teeter totter going back and forth and I guess the idea of being home around things that are and have been constant in my life gives me a little more stability!
On a brighter note, I have my little sister Chanlar with me this week and it has been a lot of fun and a lot of work! Along the same theme of being in limbo, I feel like a 5 year old is definitely experiencing life stuck between two strong forces, toddler and kid. I can definitely relate to her! She so badly wants to be so well behaved and is most of the time, but every once in a while her remnants of toddler kick in and curiousity is stronger than her will to do what she knows is right! She is by no means a bad kid at all but it is interesting to watch. In a way, I am sort of spending this week with a living, breathing metaphor of my life. God is funny that way.
Well, better start packing! Texas in T-minus...27 hours!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
I am just tyring to find out what I am REALLY good at. A friend once told me that to make it in this business you need to perfect what you are best at, something that no one else has and only you can offer. I don't have anything like that. I don't have somethng I am best at. I spent too much time being good at a lot of things and now I am just stuck in no man's land, excelling in nothing. I used to be really smart and now people laugh at me for not knowing things. I used to be a good dancer but when my family couldn't afford lessons anymore I fell behind. I never really was good at singing and still am not that great but somehow still have to do it everyday and am not getting better anytime soon. I'm not a good actor at all and for some reason that's my major. I am just starting to get overwhelmed with how much time and effort and money wasted on things I will never be good enough at to matter.
I guess sitting around writing about it won't get me anywhere. That is unless I was a really good writer, which I'm not! I just wish I could quit right now and be a cleaning lady or just a house mom but I am positive I would just suck at that too. I feel like I am staring in the face of my future and all I see is nothing for miles and miles and it's a little terrifying. Luckily, Ben has all the talent so we can eat and have a roof over our heads. I guess I should feel blessed enough with that but it's so hard when I went from believing that I could do anything and would succeed to now just thinking it will be impossible if I get cast in ANYTHING next year.
Maybe my lack of success lies in my loss of drive but when you are beaten into the ground you can only get up so many times. I used to feel invincible; anything that came my way I could conquer and overcome. That's just not the case anymore and well....it's just flat out depressing.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
The entrance! Ben made the Frodo face...you know when he is on the boat at the end of the 3rd movie....
This is what is right inside the entrance!
The beginning of the super long aisle
The Alter!!! *see the pretty lake behind*
This is the view from right at the bottom of the alter area and where the musicians will be!
alter view from farther back
reception area from the other side! Some cute kiddies warming up the dance floor!
That's pretty much it!!! I am sooooo excited! I feel like a huge load is off my shoulders, although the confusion continues due to the fact that the coordinator sent me a 10 page questionnaire as soon as I booked. But I am very thankful that this step is over!! Ben and I have started planning a lot and really it's a lot more fun now. We decided that he is going to arrange a medley of our favorite love songs that have a special meaning to us for the prelude and write a song for me to walk down to. We have started talking about what everyone is going to wear and all kinds of other fun things! Im sure there are many positive and negative blog to come! Hopefully more postive though..... : )