Saturday, June 27, 2009


I am so excited to be going to Texas for a week!! I was looking forward to being in Oklahoma this summer, doing my own thing, but it turns out that I have been really bored...I love my job, but it only takes up 2-3 days a week. I need another job so badly but no one is hiring in the middle of the summer. Although I really have done nothing of any worth this summer at all to take a break from but for some reason the idea of being 'home' gives me a sense of ease. I have always truly been a person who dwells on the whole "grass is greener on the other side" so I'm sure after a few days I will want to be back here, but for now I am excited!

I am on new medicine that is making me feel and act a little weird. It has been harder for me to be patient and just overall joyful. I am working really hard on trying to not let it effect me and let me joy come from a Greater Place but thus far it hasn't been too successful. I don't have many friends here in OKC so that makes it harder to not really have a support group. I guess seeing familiar faces sounds really exciting to me right now. I feel like my life is in some kind of limbo between being in school and graduating, engagement and marriage, succeeding in the business or just being a house mom. It's like one big teeter totter going back and forth and I guess the idea of being home around things that are and have been constant in my life gives me a little more stability!

On a brighter note, I have my little sister Chanlar with me this week and it has been a lot of fun and a lot of work! Along the same theme of being in limbo, I feel like a 5 year old is definitely experiencing life stuck between two strong forces, toddler and kid. I can definitely relate to her! She so badly wants to be so well behaved and is most of the time, but every once in a while her remnants of toddler kick in and curiousity is stronger than her will to do what she knows is right! She is by no means a bad kid at all but it is interesting to watch. In a way, I am sort of spending this week with a living, breathing metaphor of my life. God is funny that way.

Well, better start packing! Texas in T-minus...27 hours!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Mediocrity..... what I'm best at. Isn't that ironic! I feel like I am really GREAT at being mediocre! Life is always full of such lovely juxtapositions. I feel so tragically "Cathy" from Last Five Years. I suppose that's why I wanted the role so badly. I could bring a lot of truth to that role I feel. I'm just irritated that I started all this training so young and I feel like it reaped absolutely nothing. I'm constantly surrounded by people that are so much better and so much more talented that it almost seems silly to even try anymore. I just can't understand why anyone would want me when there is better talent to offer out there.

I am just tyring to find out what I am REALLY good at. A friend once told me that to make it in this business you need to perfect what you are best at, something that no one else has and only you can offer. I don't have anything like that. I don't have somethng I am best at. I spent too much time being good at a lot of things and now I am just stuck in no man's land, excelling in nothing. I used to be really smart and now people laugh at me for not knowing things. I used to be a good dancer but when my family couldn't afford lessons anymore I fell behind. I never really was good at singing and still am not that great but somehow still have to do it everyday and am not getting better anytime soon. I'm not a good actor at all and for some reason that's my major. I am just starting to get overwhelmed with how much time and effort and money wasted on things I will never be good enough at to matter.

I guess sitting around writing about it won't get me anywhere. That is unless I was a really good writer, which I'm not! I just wish I could quit right now and be a cleaning lady or just a house mom but I am positive I would just suck at that too. I feel like I am staring in the face of my future and all I see is nothing for miles and miles and it's a little terrifying. Luckily, Ben has all the talent so we can eat and have a roof over our heads. I guess I should feel blessed enough with that but it's so hard when I went from believing that I could do anything and would succeed to now just thinking it will be impossible if I get cast in ANYTHING next year.

Maybe my lack of success lies in my loss of drive but when you are beaten into the ground you can only get up so many times. I used to feel invincible; anything that came my way I could conquer and overcome. That's just not the case anymore and's just flat out depressing.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

X marks the spot at Paradise Cove!


After I was ready to give up and settle for a place I liked ok, I gave in to my mom saying we should "just go just in case." All their Saturdays were booked in June and to my understanding Fridays and Sundays were out. The only dates they had open in 2010 were May 1, which would mean our honeymoon would consist of finals week.....ewww...or they had July..which would be too hot and too late. I would rather get married somewhere that is 2nd best than get married in July! we go to Paradise Cove. I guess part of me didn't want to go because I knew it would be my favorite and I didn't want it to be! So many things are special about Grapevine Lake and sunsets to Ben and me so there was no reason it wouldn't be perfect. Well, unbeknownst to moi, my mom was totally ok with doing on a Friday! That changed EVERYTHING! And really the rest is history...or the future depending on how you look at it! : )

Here are some pictures! I am so excited!!!

The entrance! Ben made the Frodo know when he is on the boat at the end of the 3rd movie....

This is what is right inside the entrance!

The beginning of the super long aisle

The Alter!!! *see the pretty lake behind*

This is the view from right at the bottom of the alter area and where the musicians will be!

alter view from farther back

reception area

reception area from the other side! Some cute kiddies warming up the dance floor!

bar area

patio area

That's pretty much it!!! I am sooooo excited! I feel like a huge load is off my shoulders, although the confusion continues due to the fact that the coordinator sent me a 10 page questionnaire as soon as I booked. But I am very thankful that this step is over!! Ben and I have started planning a lot and really it's a lot more fun now. We decided that he is going to arrange a medley of our favorite love songs that have a special meaning to us for the prelude and write a song for me to walk down to. We have started talking about what everyone is going to wear and all kinds of other fun things! Im sure there are many positive and negative blog to come! Hopefully more postive though..... : )