I have been having a rough time lately sorting some things out in my head.
My whole life I have spent dreaming about growing up and going out and living my dreams. There was no question in my head about what life had in store for me after school. Life was about living your dream. That's how I was raised. That's what I always grew up knowing as the natural path to follow. More specifically, I had dreamed of moving to New York and starting a life as a performer. Well already I have learned that that is a lot harder than it sounds but I have been preparing for 4 years at school to deal with those hardships. Then I got married somewhere in the mix of all of this dreaming which was a wonderful addition to my plans.
So here I am living in Boston, choreographing a show, working as a singing waiter, not necessarily satisfying my theatre itch, and it all seems wrong...
My family is 1,800 miles away. They are going through some of the roughest times we have yet to face and I am sitting on my butt in Massachusetts not even able to get to them in a matter of a few hours. My brother and sister now have a "nanny" after school a few days a week and I am completely jealous. My family needs help taking care of my aunt and grandma because everyone is so busy. I'm not! I could do it. But I'm not there...My cousin has called me crying because times are so difficult right now and the best I could do was say "Sorry." I couldn't even say, "Can I do anything?" Because I can't!
I always dreamed of leaving and had my sights set on the destination but never once stopped to think about what I was leaving behind: A mom that wiped my butt, was the "cool mom," was a confidante when my friends were too busy to be there for me. A stepdad who loves me like his own and would do anything for me in at the drop of a hat. A young brother and sister who need a sissy to look up to. A Maw Maw who has been my best friend from day one, who is as weird as I am, who would have my back even when the rest of the world was mad at me. A Paw Paw who gave his granddaughter everything she wanted even when she threw embarrassing tantrums in toy stores. A grandmother who taught me how to cook, bake, sew, knit and have a love for where I came from. A grandfather who loves licorice just as much as I do and admires my intelligence. Cousins who were really brothers and sisters to me, and were there to teach me new things about the world. Aunts and Uncles who would be on my side when I was in trouble and teach me tricks about how to prepare for spankings.
I spent my whole life with these people, growing and learning from them, loving and building memories with them to just one day leave it behind? All of this really makes me question what life is about. Is it about your career? Is it normal to get up and leave everything and everyone that is responsible for making you who you are today? If life isn't about family, then what is it about. God put me with those people for a reason. I have learned so much from them and without them I wouldn't be who I am. Is it right to just say "Thanks. Love ya. Mean it" and hop in a car and drive 30 hours away to "live My life?" There are still more memories I want to make with my family that don't consist of just phone calls and emails. I don't want to be that older sister that has a husband and kids that lives far away and makes her siblings aunts and uncles while they are still in elementary school. But is there anything for me in Dallas, TX other than family? Does it matter if there is anything else there for me?
I used to really be sure about all this but now I just don't know the right answer. It would be so easy to live in Dallas and open a theatre or teach or perform locally but would that make me a failure? Would I feel like I didn't follow my dreams like a million other people in this world? I always swore that I would be the one who "made it." I would be the one that stopped at nothing to pursue my dreams. I wouldn't be a statistic, another person who gave up on their aspirations and settled for an office job. So then what is my motivation? I can hardly tell anymore if I am trying to prove a point or trying to do what I love. If I went back home would I regret it? It would be a lot cheaper. I would like the food. We would have a bigger place, maybe even a house with a backyard for Mellie. We would be close to both of our families. But are there any opportunities for us there. Would we be fulfilled artistically or would we be settling? If not, is a career really worth being this far away from family?
What is it really all about??