Last year of being a kid

So I haven't written in a long time, mainly because I have feared that everything I wrote would be way too depressing and I didn't want to bog down anyone who read it or try to look like I was needing sympathy. Which ironically contradicts the whole reason of getting a blog: so I could spread out my feelings and thoughts somewhere where they weren't jumbled and chaotic crammed all inside my head, but I digress.

School has started. My LAST first day of school has gone by. Hurray! My current outlook on school right now is "Well the good thing about school starting is that it is closer to ending." Not the best way to go into the last year of formal education where somehow I am supposed to learn everything to prepare myself to be successful in the "real" world. Luckily I am taking a class all about how to take all the tools I have gathered over the years and properly use them to be a working actor. Though the class is overwhelmingly full of terrifying statistics reminding me that only 3000 actors make a living a year from said profession and most of them are barely suriving well below the poverty line, it is also very invigorating and somehow inspiring at the same time.

This year has sort of started off a little less than exciting. I just want everything to be done. I want to be married. I want to see Ben all the time. I don't want to drive home late at night alone anymore. I don't want to do HW. I definitely don't want to learn algebra or public speaking. I clearly have symptoms of severe senioritis, which I think I started showing signs of my freshman year honestly.

Part of the stress comes from the buttload of auditions that take place the first week of school. I had, what I thought, was a pretty successful audition for the straight plays. However, my musical audition was a different story and really altogether a different blog. I only received one callback out of the 10 shows I auditioned for. Really those aren't bad odds except the fact that most of my peers and close friends got atleast 3 (and some got 10). It's just tough year after year thinking I am on the same level as those around me but then when it comes down the wire, evidence shows differently. I feel like those people on American Idol who come in and truly believe they are God's gift to music, and really have no reason to think otherwise because their family, friends, and even some professionals have reassured them of their talents. I think I may have a little more self awareness then some of those unfortunate contestants, but sometimes I am not sure. I always wonder when I am in a room full of peers who bad mouth someone's talent, if when I exit I will become the newest topic of conversation. It really is all too stressful for me to even worry about but sometimes it's hard to ignore.

The formerly mentioned class I am taking this semester, Audition Techniques, is really an audition philosophy class. It has opened my mind to some interesting way to look at my career. It talks about changing your job title from "actor" to "auditioner," which is brilliant. An actor goes into an audition and is only successful if they get work. An auditioner goes into an audition and is succesful if they have a good audition. There is no reason to have a bad audition because all one must do it be prepared and if you are not, then shame on you. It is a great way to look at things and the ONLY way to look at things in order to steer clear of depression and eventually quitting. Obviously such a mind set comes with time. I have tried to apply it already to my audition experience thus far this year but from the content of this blog you can see I havent really quite fully taken on my new job title.

The second week of school is rapidly approaching. I am hoping to be a little more optimistic this week but so far I am starting out with a weird stomach/back pain, a lot of homework, a speech, and workshopping a type mononlogue (which by the way, I CANT FIND ONE!!!!!!)
The good thing is that at the end of this week comes a 3 day weekend and at the end of that 3 day weekend a 5 year anniversary! Holy Cow! : )