Saturday, June 20, 2009

Mediocrity.....

....is what I'm best at. Isn't that ironic! I feel like I am really GREAT at being mediocre! Life is always full of such lovely juxtapositions. I feel so tragically "Cathy" from Last Five Years. I suppose that's why I wanted the role so badly. I could bring a lot of truth to that role I feel. I'm just irritated that I started all this training so young and I feel like it reaped absolutely nothing. I'm constantly surrounded by people that are so much better and so much more talented that it almost seems silly to even try anymore. I just can't understand why anyone would want me when there is better talent to offer out there.

I am just tyring to find out what I am REALLY good at. A friend once told me that to make it in this business you need to perfect what you are best at, something that no one else has and only you can offer. I don't have anything like that. I don't have somethng I am best at. I spent too much time being good at a lot of things and now I am just stuck in no man's land, excelling in nothing. I used to be really smart and now people laugh at me for not knowing things. I used to be a good dancer but when my family couldn't afford lessons anymore I fell behind. I never really was good at singing and still am not that great but somehow still have to do it everyday and am not getting better anytime soon. I'm not a good actor at all and for some reason that's my major. I am just starting to get overwhelmed with how much time and effort and money wasted on things I will never be good enough at to matter.

I guess sitting around writing about it won't get me anywhere. That is unless I was a really good writer, which I'm not! I just wish I could quit right now and be a cleaning lady or just a house mom but I am positive I would just suck at that too. I feel like I am staring in the face of my future and all I see is nothing for miles and miles and it's a little terrifying. Luckily, Ben has all the talent so we can eat and have a roof over our heads. I guess I should feel blessed enough with that but it's so hard when I went from believing that I could do anything and would succeed to now just thinking it will be impossible if I get cast in ANYTHING next year.

Maybe my lack of success lies in my loss of drive but when you are beaten into the ground you can only get up so many times. I used to feel invincible; anything that came my way I could conquer and overcome. That's just not the case anymore and well....it's just flat out depressing.

2 comments:

  1. I know that right now it may seem like the world is full of no's, but you are good at things. I envied you in high school! I would have killed for the talent you have just in your pinkie finger. You have the best personality in the world. You have no problem talking to people. No one ever said that life was going to be easy! I have been feeling the same way since I have yet to decide what I want to do with my life. Seek God's guidance, he has something very special planned out for your life! He knows what you are good at and trust that He knows what he is doing. Don't get discouraged, don't think you can't because when you think like that, you will fail! Life will get tougher, marriage is a whole other road, and it will be the hardest thing you will ever overcome! You and Ben will struggle, a lot but you have each other and it will help. He is such a support for you! Confide in him, tell him how you are feeling and that you need his support. If you don't think that theater is where you want to be then don't pursue it! Just because it is what you have done for so long, it doesn't mean it is what God has planned for you! Don't feel mediocre because people can sense that and they will make you feel mediocre. Don't give up because you are awesome and there is nothing you can't overcome.

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  2. I think that you and i are the only two people in the world who truly understand this. I always say this and people are like "aly! you are good at lots of things!!" then I get mad and say that thats the problem!!! I'm not saying that I completely understand what you're going through b/c we're both in very different situations. I know that I can say..and have said...and this is the complete truth.. that you have one of the most unique and beautiful voices i have ever heard! I used to always try to make my voice sound like yours. You are an AMAZING dancer! You are a better listener than anyone I've ever met (seriously). You truly care about the people you love. You have a faith and a relationship with God that SO many people are envious of. You are the one and only perfect person for ben! You are so creative. You are the only person I have ever met who is not like anyone else. I know that it sucks not having a talent that everyone talks about all the time--I know that its hard to constanly be with someone who DOES have a talent that every talks about all the time! But chelcy--you are YOU. You ROCK at that! You are THE most unique person I have ever met. I know that this doesn't make it better b/c it isn't a talent and it isnt what you want to stand out in.. but you are anything but mediocre. I love you and look up to you and admire you and am jealous of you. There IS something at you are perfect at, I think we just have to wait for the right time to find out what that is. GOd didn't mess up on you, God didn't forget to give you your speciality. There is one, just be patient and trust that God made you just the way you are on purpose and in a way that will make you SOOO happy! Love you Chelc!

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