Sunday, March 7, 2010

Stick a fork in me...

....IM DONE! No but really, all cutesy attention getting title's aside. I am so done with this state, this city, this school, these people! I can't stand it anymore. I don't know how I am going to survive the next 61 days. It seems like an eternity away. I don't care if I am being negative. Get over it or stop reading my blog...(I don't think anyone reads this anyway..hmmm)

I have never been this stressed or angry in my entire life. I can not seem to genuinely smile at anything for longer than a few minutes before I am mad at the entire world again. College is not the best time of your life. That is a lie. That is only true for the irresponsible crowd that wallows away their time drunk and high and not taking their careers seriously. I am over those people. How old are we??? 16??? Do your rich parents know they are throwing 100K away so you can be a beligerent idiot! I am sick of no one ever understanding me or being like me. I am sick of being different. Why can't I just make bad decisions and throw my life away and be ok with it? It seems to be what makes people happy these days. Why can't I treat people like crap and be ok with it? Better yet, Why can't I treat people crap and still have 5000 friends? Why can't I treat people NICELY and have friends? Am I that awful to be around?? I have dealt with this my whole life and it hurts so bad to always feel left out because you don't do what everyone else does and no one understands you. There is no way I am the only person like this in the world!!

I know I am a really good friend, at least I thought so, unless I am completely delusional. I am not asking for anything in return for being a good friend and I don't do nice things to get rewarded but my resources are depleted. I can't keep giving and giving and GIVING AND GIVING! I don't want money or things or gifts. I want someone to listen to me and BELIEVE me. I sometimes feel like one of my biggest fears in coming true. I have always been afraid that one day I will go crazy and no one will believe anything I say because I am just "crazy Chelcy" saying those crazy things again. I just feel so delusional! Am I making things up? Am I completely unaware of what is actually going on around me? I am going nuts here just trying to get through the days.......

who even knows if getting out of this place, this school, this apartment, will even help...it could go on forever. It is more likely that I am the problem rather than the rest of the world...the odds are definitely against me. It's about 5,999,999,999 to 1...

I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to talk anyone. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to do anything...I just want to run away with Ben to some perfect paradise and live happily ever after....I know I have a lot of blessing and am lucky to not be whatever starving creature in whatever unfortunate country but the fact is that was not my fate and I am have my own situation that I am dealing with now and I am upset. I am allowed to be upset inspite of how lucky I am in many ways and I am SICK of people telling me to "think of these people and their terrible situation. At least you aren't them" No, I am not, but I can still have feelings and no one can try to take those away from because they don't like how my feelings are effecting their day. Well those people can stop being selfish for 5 seconds and realize that things aren't just peachy keen in my life right now and that is OK. It doesn't have to always be sunshine and teddy bears because LIFE is not sunshine and teddy bears. Things suck. Without things sucking there can never be sunshine and teddy bears because we would never have a scale to judge what is good and what is bad.

So right now, things suck and I can't WAIT to be in rainbow kitty land with the rest of those that like to tell me to stop having emotions and just be postive.

On a lighter note, I have no idea how I am going to get to school, my dr. appt tomorrow, or work .... My car still is not starting...

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