I will be me

Today...no..this week...well...the past few months I have spent sort of sitting around and wallowing. I watch videos, read blogs, even dream about what I want to do with my life but have had zero inspiration to get up and do it. I will watch a video of someone else singing or an amazing dance routine and not get up and sing a single note (seriously) or as much as stretch for weeks at a time. I am having such a hard time pursuing my dreams actively and I guess they just seem so far away. During college, I got so jaded. I didn't feel very talented or valued in that atmosphere and that made think "Well if what I have to offer isn't valuable in a setting of 2000 people, what about a setting of 2 million...or 2 billion!" Things slowly went downhill from there. Now that I am out of that world and into the "real" one I find myself falling back into that way of thinking to the point where I physically can't move to begin to do something about it. Then there is the whole money issue. Should I spend money on food for my family or a dance class to further my career? Should I audition for and accept non-paying gigs that cut into my work schedule therefore cutting into my income? Should I just take these two years off and just work to live and support my family?  So many questions...so many questions that I just sit around and think about all day. Literally. With work being so slow during these past few months I have nothing better to do than to sit around.

The first thing I really need to focus on is valuing myself as a talent and an asset to the theatre world. That is so hard for me. I could hardly even type that sentence without inserting some catty remark in parenthesis.
Well, today I have spent the whole day trying to upload videos from a production I directed last spring and I have been singing the lyrics to the opening song in my head all day. They are so inspirational. I think that thinking about these lyrics is what is responsible for getting me up and in the shower and out of the apartment for an hour today and it felt great to be out! The drifts of snow taller than me were a little annoying to handle but other than that, it felt great to outside. If only I could make myself do that everyday. Anyway, here are the lyrics. I hope they can inspire someone else too whenever they are doubting their worth.

I will be wild. I will be wise.
I will not ever compromise.
I will stand firm. I will walk tall
And when my back's against the wall
I will be strong. I will be proud.
I will proclaim myself outloud.
I will be fuel. I will be fire. I will be free.
I will be me.

I may be overly romantic. I may set my heart up to break again.
But this is who I am.

You disapprove of what I'm saying, so I lack the grace of subtler men.
But this is who I am.

I'm sure as hell not getting younger, well I'm not the boy that I was back then.
This is who I am.

**And though my flaws they may be glaring, I'm past the point of caring.
Cause here's the way I see it. I am me. That's all. So be it.
This is who I am.**

I will not fail. I will not fall.
I will rise up above it all.
I will not sink. I will not drown.
I will not think of looking down.
I will fly far. I will fly fast.
I will be who I am at last.
I will be fuel. I will be fire.
I will be free. I will be me.

This is who I am.