We will miss Tibbs

So this morning little Tibbs, that we found just a few days ago, died. Ever since we got him he was really weak and slept 90% of the time. We just got him eating and drinking a lot but I guess you always hear that they do really well right before they take a turn for the worse. I knew that this was a possibility because I had no idea what his condition was before we got him. He was clearly anemic and we knew that but we didn't plan on taking him to the vet until Friday. We were in Texas until Sunday and should've taken him on Monday but I guess should haves are irrelevant now. I am mad at myself because we went through so much to keep him alive but didn't take him to the vet as soon as possible. I guess if we ever find another little kitty we will know what to do then. He was a cuddly little guy and I will sure miss his company. At least if he was hurting he isn't anymore. Ben buried him in his backyard under a nice tree. Who knows last time we though we lost him he showed up in Ben's room. Maybe that will happen again. I really wish we would've been more proactive in saving this kitty's life. I guess one crazy cat is enough for Ben and me.

Here are some pics of him! We will miss you buddy!

Cute little surprise!

So Ben and I's friend, Jason came into town this week! We are having such a blast with him. He wrote a song making fun of Bro's and so him and Ben decided to make a music video to it! It has beena lot of fun and I never realized that I would use some stuff from on-camera class during my free time! It's crazy how education works. Anyway, we were filming one of the last scenes at Ben's front doorstep and for some reason Ben starts sawying "awww!" and waving to the ground. We were all thinking "What kind of improv is this?" Well it turns out that this PRECIOUS little baby kitten, no more than a month old, is walking on Ben's front porch. The poor baby is COVERED in fleas! I am talking hundreds upon hundreds of fleas. He is so tiny and clearly hasn't eaten that much. So, we lure him in with scraps of pepporoni! There is no way this kitty can stay in the house unless we give him a flea bath so....we did! You really aren't supposed to give kittens under 12 weeks flea baths but when it is either taking a risk of a little illness from flea bath or dying from lyme disease...you have to make a choice! This bath took about an hour! There were so many fleas on him ! Finally we took him out, because he was freezing and dried him off with a towel and eventually a hair dryer. He wasn't skiddish at all, just very happy to be dry and warm. We applied some flea drops on him that should hopefully get rid of the rest of them!

We have yet to come up with a solid name...I like Willow because its a tree name and Lily is a flower and they could be Willy and Lily. Ben isn't a fan....Ben thought Phil would be cute to have Phil and Lil like Rugrats. But, we are worried the names rhyme too much and it would be confusing. So we explored some others such as Bug (which I think will bring back bad memories) and Sunny (which is my personal favorite). We still don't know if we are going to keep him. After all we have been through I don't see how we could give him away. He is too cute!

While we deciding, here are some pictures to pass the time! : )

Ok we decided on Tibbs!! Yay for kitties!!!

Another Audition

Here goes.....

Another audition tonight for a show that completely doesn't fit my voice type! I keep thinking that if I am not a belter I will never get work so I have to force myseslf to go to these auditions and keep telling myself that I don't know what they are looking for.

I just get really psycho and mental and tell myself all these awful things
"I will never be cast bc I'm not a belter"
"My speaking voice doesn't match my look"
"I don't have a type so I will never be considered"

I just need to keep quieting these things so that I can gain confidence to be happy with what I have to offer. I am really sick of peope telling me I am a soprano and will never learn how to belt/mix. I know that I can! I know it is in there! I just need someone to help me bring it out...I have gotten several different opinions of how to do it and so far it alaways ends with people saying "Sometimes people just don't have the genes for it. It's something you are born with" Well NO! I don't believe that. I do to a certain extent but I also believe that things can be learned with hard work and determination. I think at this point I just need to figure it out on my own. I know what I am doing wrong and I just need to fix it by myself...

but for now, I will get ready for my audition for Rent tonight and hopefully find some sweet rocker attire for tonight!!

Limbo

I am so excited to be going to Texas for a week!! I was looking forward to being in Oklahoma this summer, doing my own thing, but it turns out that I have been really bored...I love my job, but it only takes up 2-3 days a week. I need another job so badly but no one is hiring in the middle of the summer. Although I really have done nothing of any worth this summer at all to take a break from but for some reason the idea of being 'home' gives me a sense of ease. I have always truly been a person who dwells on the whole "grass is greener on the other side" so I'm sure after a few days I will want to be back here, but for now I am excited!

I am on new medicine that is making me feel and act a little weird. It has been harder for me to be patient and just overall joyful. I am working really hard on trying to not let it effect me and let me joy come from a Greater Place but thus far it hasn't been too successful. I don't have many friends here in OKC so that makes it harder to not really have a support group. I guess seeing familiar faces sounds really exciting to me right now. I feel like my life is in some kind of limbo between being in school and graduating, engagement and marriage, succeeding in the business or just being a house mom. It's like one big teeter totter going back and forth and I guess the idea of being home around things that are and have been constant in my life gives me a little more stability!

On a brighter note, I have my little sister Chanlar with me this week and it has been a lot of fun and a lot of work! Along the same theme of being in limbo, I feel like a 5 year old is definitely experiencing life stuck between two strong forces, toddler and kid. I can definitely relate to her! She so badly wants to be so well behaved and is most of the time, but every once in a while her remnants of toddler kick in and curiousity is stronger than her will to do what she knows is right! She is by no means a bad kid at all but it is interesting to watch. In a way, I am sort of spending this week with a living, breathing metaphor of my life. God is funny that way.

Well, better start packing! Texas in T-minus...27 hours!

Mediocrity.....

....is what I'm best at. Isn't that ironic! I feel like I am really GREAT at being mediocre! Life is always full of such lovely juxtapositions. I feel so tragically "Cathy" from Last Five Years. I suppose that's why I wanted the role so badly. I could bring a lot of truth to that role I feel. I'm just irritated that I started all this training so young and I feel like it reaped absolutely nothing. I'm constantly surrounded by people that are so much better and so much more talented that it almost seems silly to even try anymore. I just can't understand why anyone would want me when there is better talent to offer out there.

I am just tyring to find out what I am REALLY good at. A friend once told me that to make it in this business you need to perfect what you are best at, something that no one else has and only you can offer. I don't have anything like that. I don't have somethng I am best at. I spent too much time being good at a lot of things and now I am just stuck in no man's land, excelling in nothing. I used to be really smart and now people laugh at me for not knowing things. I used to be a good dancer but when my family couldn't afford lessons anymore I fell behind. I never really was good at singing and still am not that great but somehow still have to do it everyday and am not getting better anytime soon. I'm not a good actor at all and for some reason that's my major. I am just starting to get overwhelmed with how much time and effort and money wasted on things I will never be good enough at to matter.

I guess sitting around writing about it won't get me anywhere. That is unless I was a really good writer, which I'm not! I just wish I could quit right now and be a cleaning lady or just a house mom but I am positive I would just suck at that too. I feel like I am staring in the face of my future and all I see is nothing for miles and miles and it's a little terrifying. Luckily, Ben has all the talent so we can eat and have a roof over our heads. I guess I should feel blessed enough with that but it's so hard when I went from believing that I could do anything and would succeed to now just thinking it will be impossible if I get cast in ANYTHING next year.

Maybe my lack of success lies in my loss of drive but when you are beaten into the ground you can only get up so many times. I used to feel invincible; anything that came my way I could conquer and overcome. That's just not the case anymore and well....it's just flat out depressing.

X marks the spot at Paradise Cove!

ITS OFFICIAL!! WE ARE GETTING MARRIED ON JUNE 4TH, 2010 AT PARADISE COVE IN SOUTHLAKE, TEXAS ON LAKE GRAPEVINE! phew...that feels good to say!!!

After I was ready to give up and settle for a place I liked ok, I gave in to my mom saying we should "just go just in case." All their Saturdays were booked in June and to my understanding Fridays and Sundays were out. The only dates they had open in 2010 were May 1, which would mean our honeymoon would consist of finals week.....ewww...or they had July..which would be too hot and too late. I would rather get married somewhere that is 2nd best than get married in July!

So...off we go to Paradise Cove. I guess part of me didn't want to go because I knew it would be my favorite and I didn't want it to be! So many things are special about Grapevine Lake and sunsets to Ben and me so there was no reason it wouldn't be perfect. Well, unbeknownst to moi, my mom was totally ok with doing on a Friday! That changed EVERYTHING! And really the rest is history...or the future depending on how you look at it! : )

Here are some pictures! I am so excited!!!

The entrance! Ben made the Frodo face...you know when he is on the boat at the end of the 3rd movie....

This is what is right inside the entrance!

The beginning of the super long aisle

The Alter!!! *see the pretty lake behind*

This is the view from right at the bottom of the alter area and where the musicians will be!

alter view from farther back

reception area

reception area from the other side! Some cute kiddies warming up the dance floor!

bar area

patio area

That's pretty much it!!! I am sooooo excited! I feel like a huge load is off my shoulders, although the confusion continues due to the fact that the coordinator sent me a 10 page questionnaire as soon as I booked. But I am very thankful that this step is over!! Ben and I have started planning a lot and really it's a lot more fun now. We decided that he is going to arrange a medley of our favorite love songs that have a special meaning to us for the prelude and write a song for me to walk down to. We have started talking about what everyone is going to wear and all kinds of other fun things! Im sure there are many positive and negative blog to come! Hopefully more postive though..... : )

decisions...

So many decisions to make that I just flat out don't care about! I don't understand why in order to get married I have to spend a ridiculous amount of money on things I don't care about. Yes I care about getting married and being with Ben but that doesnt take spending 3000 on napkins. It's so silly! I can't even spend $20 on jeans! I am so cheap and I am just having a hard time swallowing all this. If I keep thinking that my wedding is a party I am throwing for my family to celebrate me and Ben's relationship and our future together. As long as I don't think about it as spending it on me I think I can get through it.


So...I spent all week looking for venues for the wedding. They were all great for different reasons! Of course 5 out of 6 didn't suck. It doesn't work like that. They all had different pros and cons! One was beautiful but too small to fit my enormous family! Another has the best view but awkward decorations that don't represent me and Ben. I have to make a decision soon because once June is booked we are screwed bc July is just too hot to be outside. Ahh! It's all a mess! Here are some pics of them. You will see how hard it is to choose!






This is Lantana Lodge in Pilot Point, Texas on Lake Ray Roberts it is absolutely beautiful! The ceremony would be at sunset on the Lake which is amazing!!!! But....



That is the decor of the Honeymoon suite....I mean I like Texas but not that much and....

This is the decor inside which isnt really a big deal because we really are never inside but...ahh I don't know.. am I being stupid worrying about the decorations inside?!




Next favorite is Relfections on Spring Creek in Plano!







aisle ^^^ alter ^^^



















atmosphere^^




reception area --->

I love this place but the only thing keepig me from is that I love the lake view so much!!!!


Next...Wildwood Inn in Denton! It's really close and reallllly beautiful and accomadates some people in the rooms and has a beautiful suite that is my colors!!!!

Isnt that beautiful! But I would have to cut down my list to 120 at the MOST and really they only fit 100. I absolutely can't cut it down that much! I would rather not have it somewhere that is my absolute favorite and have everyone I love there!!


So there lies my confusion.....please I am open for any advice!!!






Also while I am on the topic of decisions.... I decided to audition for Last Five Years at The Pollard this weekend instead of watching the Tony's. Really it shouldn't be a hard decision but I just feel dumb auditioning against a bunch of belters. I know that belting doesn't matter but...it does. Hopefully the experience will be so GREAT that I don't regret auditioning for something I'm not even good for instead of watching the ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT ON TV!!!!! Hopefully someone will tape it! And hopefully auditioning will be worth it...lately I just don't feel talented..I was hoping my acting would make up for the singing but I don't know if that will work. I wonder if sometimes I have a skewed idea of my talent from being in a political department for the past three years...anyway...enough negativity for one post!! My career life could be a whole other post haha. That's all for now....