What is it really all about?

I have been having a rough time lately sorting some things out in my head.

My whole life I have spent dreaming about growing up and going out and living my dreams. There was no question in my head about what life had in store for me after school. Life was about living your dream. That's how I was raised. That's what I always grew up knowing as the natural path to follow. More specifically, I had dreamed of moving to New York and starting a life as a performer. Well already I have learned that that is a lot harder than it sounds but I have been preparing for 4 years at school to deal with those hardships. Then I got married somewhere in the mix of all of this dreaming which was a wonderful addition to my plans.

So here I am living in Boston, choreographing a show, working as a singing waiter, not necessarily satisfying my theatre itch, and it all seems wrong...

My family is 1,800 miles away. They are going through some of the roughest times we have yet to face and I am sitting on my butt in Massachusetts not even able to get to them in a matter of a few hours. My brother and sister now have a "nanny" after school a few days a week and I am completely jealous. My family needs help taking care of my aunt and grandma because everyone is so busy. I'm not! I could do it. But I'm not there...My cousin has called me crying because times are so difficult right now and the best I could do was say "Sorry." I couldn't even say, "Can I do anything?" Because I can't!

I always dreamed of leaving and had my sights set on the destination but never once stopped to think about what I was leaving behind: A mom that wiped my butt, was the "cool mom," was a confidante when my friends were too busy to be there for me. A stepdad who loves me like his own and would do anything for me in at the drop of a hat. A young brother and sister who need a sissy to look up to. A Maw Maw who has been my best friend from day one, who is as weird as I am, who would have my back even when the rest of the world was mad at me. A Paw Paw who gave his granddaughter everything she wanted even when she threw embarrassing tantrums in toy stores. A grandmother who taught me how to cook, bake, sew, knit and have a love for where I came from. A grandfather who loves licorice just as much as I do and admires my intelligence. Cousins who were really brothers and sisters to me, and were there to teach me new things about the world. Aunts and Uncles who would be on my side when I was in trouble and teach me tricks about how to prepare for spankings.

I spent my whole life with these people, growing and learning from them, loving and building memories with them to just one day leave it behind? All of this really makes me question what life is about. Is it about your career? Is it normal to get up and leave everything and everyone that is responsible for making you who you are today? If life isn't about family, then what is it about. God put me with those people for a reason. I have learned so much from them and without them I wouldn't be who I am. Is it right to just say "Thanks. Love ya. Mean it" and hop in a car and drive 30 hours away to "live My life?" There are still more memories I want to make with my family that don't consist of just phone calls and emails. I don't want to be that older sister that has a husband and kids that lives far away and makes her siblings aunts and uncles while they are still in elementary school. But is there anything for me in Dallas, TX other than family? Does it matter if there is anything else there for me?

I used to really be sure about all this but now I just don't know the right answer. It would be so easy to live in Dallas and open a theatre or teach or perform locally but would that make me a failure? Would I feel like I didn't follow my dreams like a million other people in this world? I always swore that I would be the one who "made it." I would be the one that stopped at nothing to pursue my dreams. I wouldn't be a statistic, another person who gave up on their aspirations and settled for an office job. So then what is my motivation? I can hardly tell anymore if I am trying to prove a point or trying to do what I love. If I went back home would I regret it? It would be a lot cheaper. I would like the food. We would have a bigger place, maybe even a house with a backyard for Mellie. We would be close to both of our families.  But are there any opportunities for us there. Would we be fulfilled artistically or would we be settling? If not, is a career really worth being this far away from family?

What is it really all about??

I will be me

Today...no..this week...well...the past few months I have spent sort of sitting around and wallowing. I watch videos, read blogs, even dream about what I want to do with my life but have had zero inspiration to get up and do it. I will watch a video of someone else singing or an amazing dance routine and not get up and sing a single note (seriously) or as much as stretch for weeks at a time. I am having such a hard time pursuing my dreams actively and I guess they just seem so far away. During college, I got so jaded. I didn't feel very talented or valued in that atmosphere and that made think "Well if what I have to offer isn't valuable in a setting of 2000 people, what about a setting of 2 million...or 2 billion!" Things slowly went downhill from there. Now that I am out of that world and into the "real" one I find myself falling back into that way of thinking to the point where I physically can't move to begin to do something about it. Then there is the whole money issue. Should I spend money on food for my family or a dance class to further my career? Should I audition for and accept non-paying gigs that cut into my work schedule therefore cutting into my income? Should I just take these two years off and just work to live and support my family?  So many questions...so many questions that I just sit around and think about all day. Literally. With work being so slow during these past few months I have nothing better to do than to sit around.

The first thing I really need to focus on is valuing myself as a talent and an asset to the theatre world. That is so hard for me. I could hardly even type that sentence without inserting some catty remark in parenthesis.
Well, today I have spent the whole day trying to upload videos from a production I directed last spring and I have been singing the lyrics to the opening song in my head all day. They are so inspirational. I think that thinking about these lyrics is what is responsible for getting me up and in the shower and out of the apartment for an hour today and it felt great to be out! The drifts of snow taller than me were a little annoying to handle but other than that, it felt great to outside. If only I could make myself do that everyday. Anyway, here are the lyrics. I hope they can inspire someone else too whenever they are doubting their worth.

I will be wild. I will be wise.
I will not ever compromise.
I will stand firm. I will walk tall
And when my back's against the wall
I will be strong. I will be proud.
I will proclaim myself outloud.
I will be fuel. I will be fire. I will be free.
I will be me.

I may be overly romantic. I may set my heart up to break again.
But this is who I am.

You disapprove of what I'm saying, so I lack the grace of subtler men.
But this is who I am.

I'm sure as hell not getting younger, well I'm not the boy that I was back then.
This is who I am.

**And though my flaws they may be glaring, I'm past the point of caring.
Cause here's the way I see it. I am me. That's all. So be it.
This is who I am.**

I will not fail. I will not fall.
I will rise up above it all.
I will not sink. I will not drown.
I will not think of looking down.
I will fly far. I will fly fast.
I will be who I am at last.
I will be fuel. I will be fire.
I will be free. I will be me.

This is who I am.

The other side of the table

So lately I have taken part in a lot of auditions. Let me clarify... I have been watching a lot of auditions. I have been on "the other side of the table." I still have yet to decide which side I prefer, but that is a whole entire blog in itself. So auditions. I really do enjoy being on the casting end of things. I feel like that is when I learn the most. For some reason it seems easier to watch people screw up and think "Wow, I will never do THAT in an audition," than write down a bulleted list of all the right things to do! Here are a few things I observed in the past few auditions I have been involved in....

Some people think it is ok to come to in and actually use sheet music during the audition. No matter what, it isn't an acceptable choice. It would be slightly understandable for the sheet music to act as a security blanket of sorts if it was held by the auditioners side, but looking at it to the point where it is covering your entire face because you have to hold it that close because you don't know the notes or lyrics...no..no.....no.

So many people are very unaware of their A) Age range. If you are 20, you can NOT play the mom in Next to Normal. If you are 20 and you look 45...maybe. If you are 20 and you look 20...never! and B) If you are get discounts at movie theatres, gyms, or other facilities because you are elderly and you look elderly, you probably aren't a good fit for a contemporary show about teenagers/young adults. 

Mack the Knife in German is almost never an appropriate song choice for an audition.

Do not walk into an audition wearing jeans, a tacky sweater, and moccasins and then BLOW me away. That is just too confusing. You are talented but don't care enough to dress properly? You are unaware that you should dress for an audition? You think all the shows are about grungy teenagers? Or are you actually just a brilliant hipster that I should forgive for your lackadaisical attitude towards dress code for auditions because you were THAT good....

Please, please, please do a tiny bit of research about a show before auditioning for it. A song "in the style of the show" means just that. It doesn't mean that if you are auditioning for a rock musical that you should audition with any ole musical theatre song. It's just silly. 

When auditioners get too close to the table it actually is a frightening thing. So frightening, in fact, that I just might gasp out loud!

And finally...look confident! I saw so many people who looked like they were about to die of shame because they were so embarrassed to share their talent, when they turned out to be really good!

Though these things seem crazy, they actually did occur! I'm sure that mishaps like this happen more often than not. There is something so weird and unnatural about an audition. We performers get all worked up and in our head that what comes out is these odd behaviors that make us look foolish. I'm sure all of the people I witnessed doing these things are all wonderful people but I couldn't help but take their experiences and share them. Hopefully I will remember these things the next time I go in and audition.

Worse weather, better attitude

Well it certainly is getting colder up here in the NORTH! I am about to experience the season of a lifetime. I'm not sure I am ready. I am also not sure there is any type of preparation for temperatures in the teens, freezing wind gusts, and tons of snow. So far, winter is holding off a little bit. Apparently, things have been pretty mild so far, seeing as it is the middle of December and we have hardly seen so much as a flurry around here! I am secretly excited for snow and will be a little upset if I don't have white Christmas in Boston! I have one in Texas last year!! 

I have been in a much better mood lately, which has been nice. I am not really sure why but things have been looking up. Maybe it's the overall joyful feeling that the Christmas season brings. Whatever it may be, I'm not complaining. However, I haven't been enjoying quite as much as I should be. I keep sleeping half the day away! I have been so tired lately. I feel a little useless only working a few shifts a week and not having much else to do. Somehow I still manage to be exhausted. I think it may be one of those things where I am over-sleeping which is having a negative effect. It also isn't great because I am so behind on a lot of things: project 365, bills, thank you notes from the wedding (oops), cleaning. Hmmm. I guess I should stop my extended sleeping hours and naps and get to work! It is really hard to get motivated with hardly 8 hours of light and gloomy skies. I think this is why people are so grumpy up here! hah! Luckily, I have come out of my grumpy spell and am just tired. I would really like to find another job. That is in the works right now but it hasn't really been a fruitful search.

Rent is officially starting up! We had auditions and now have an almost complete cast list. We have a get-together this week that I am really excited about. I can't wait to be involved in a show again. Although I really love the directing/choreographing side, I do really miss performing. Either way, I am glad to be back in a theatre. I am also excited to meet some more people close to my age with common interests. I only know a handful of people here and it gets a little lonely, as I have vividly expressed in recent blogs. I will probably write more about the auditions/casting experience on my other blog on my website (www.chelcyharrell.com) very soon. 

Ben is just about finished with finals and Christmas break starts soon for him. I am excited to see him more! I feel like I see him less than anyone else and I live with him! We got our tree up and our first presents underneath it. I can't wait for our first Christmas together. It will be special. As far as the animals go, not much has changed. They are still crazy and obnoxious but we love them so much!! They keep us smiling and they never cease to entertain us!

That is all for now. Ben just got home from school so I am going to spend some time with him and get off the computer!

You wanna know the truth...

I am really bad at updating this mainly because I don't have anything to say. Nothing is going on in my life. Absolutely nothing. I have graduated from student to average american adult with a lame job that isn't fulfilling. My life officially has no purpose. I am trying to stay positive and look at things with a broader view but it's not working. I can't just "have a better attitude." There isn't a better attitude switch anywhere. I feel like I would just be lying to myself.

I guess the real reason I haven't written in so long is not because I don't have anything to say. I don't have anything positive to say which has led me to the conclusion that blogs are pointless. It isn't an online journal of your thoughts. Bull. It is an online public proclamation how of happy and wonderful you can make everyone else think your life is. Because let's be honest, who wants to read a blog full of complaining or negativity?

 So what brings me here today? Why am I choosing to be "that guy" that writes depressing, emo posts that no one reads anyway? Well, the truth is I don't have anyone else to talk to. I have no friends here. I really don't have many friends period. I know there are people who would be there for me but they have so much on their plate anyway that they don't need to hear my problems OR the people I have that I could talk to would say "Aww Chelcy, it's ok. It will get better. Just have a better attitude." Well I don't need to hear that. It hasn't gotten better, it doesn't look promising and now because of that, how can I just HAVE a better attitude. People don't just HAVE things. The ones lucky enough to JUST HAVE things take them for granted anyway. I am so tired of trying so hard. Can something fall in my lap just once, please?

I am so lucky and blessed to have such a wonderful husband. I can truly say that. But honestly, all we do is bicker these days and I know it's mostly my fault for being so negative. I would bicker with me to if I had to live with myself. I am just screwing up left and right and I am completely unmotivated, bored, tired, lonely and overall, if you wanna know the truth, I am completely unhappy.

So until I have something nice to say, I am not going to say anything at all... see you when I have something good to report.

The Reason I Sing

I have recently discovered this new Christian artist whom I LOVE! His name is Jimmy Needham. I love his style, his voice, his lyrics, his heart, his message and I could go on and on! This song especially speaks to me because it has a message that has always been really important in my life and happens to follow one of my favorite verses Colossians 3:23 "Whatever you do, do it full-heartedly unto the Lord and not unto men."  This not only is applicable for performing but also important to remember in everyday tasks in life and something I have often lost sight of lately in both aspects of my life. 


If it’s just to top a song chart 
To feed the kids and get a bigger car 
The sky’s already got enough stars
And they all sing Your name
And if I’m here to write a number one
To get a gold or maybe platinum
 Make me a singer who is unsung
'Cause You won’t share Your fame 


'Cause even accolades some day will fade away
Just like me
Yes, everything but You 
Many years from now it won’t matter how
Why I write the rhymes I do
Help me get back to the reason I sing for You


I’m always looking for the limelight
To dim the house and make the stages bright
Compared to You I’m just a nightlight
Against the blazing Sun
I enter rooms and hope they notice me
To fill my social insecurities
I’m asking is there any hope for me?
'Cause there’s only room here for one 


Why are we so convinced a bigger audience
Is simply common sense to have? 
Maybe success is measured best by nothing less than our obedience 


So if I'm destined for a small stage 
The small crowds and the small pay
And maybe even in a small way
I can bring You fame 

'Cause even accolades some day will fade away

Just like me

Yes, everything but You 

Many years from now it won’t matter how

Why I write the rhymes I do

Help me get back to the reason I sing for You

Listen to the song

Check him out! He is amazing. He has 3 albums out and you should buy them all. Friend him on facebook! He is really nice and always has really uplifting statuses! 

Click for his website!

Going cRaZy!

Ok folks...well...whoever reads this....I dont think anyone actually reads this but to WHOMEVER it may concern, I have an announcement....

I AM GOING CRAZY!!!

I am always cooped up in this apartment or at work doing what I semi love to do half of the time. It's like there is some kind of magnet hidden in these 80 year old walls that is keeping me sitting on my butt all day. Or maybe I won't blame my lackadaisical attitude on ancient architecture and just say that I am having a hard time motivating myself. I know I can take Mellie out or CLEAN  or go on a walk or work on this or that or a countless list of a million other things but I simply can't make myself do it. I don't know what my problem is but I am in a slump. I don't have any friends here to just be there for me or help motivate me. Basically I am just whining right now but I am so frustrated and yes so unmotivated to do anything about it! Is there a medicinal remedy for this? If so, someone please send it my way. I shouldn't be too hard to find. I am probably just sitting on my couch or at the kitchen table in my tiny, tiny apartment......If you have trouble just listen for my dogs ear piercingly ANNOYING bark, and you will surely find me!